Dr. Elaine Heffner: ‘Nuanced’ parenting

Several people recently have used the word “nuance” in discussions with me about issues with which they wanted help. In discussing another way of approaching these issues, they said it was “nuanced.” The word nuance usually means a subtle variation, or a gradation in meaning. But what was it a variation or gradation in meaning of?

It seems to relate to the tendency we often have to see things as black or white. An idea or person is either right or wrong. If a child wants something, the answer is either yes or no. In the same vein, you should never give in or a child will think he can get what he wants by making a fuss.

Many confrontations arise from this black-or-white stance, the feeling that somehow there is no alternative other than yes or no. Neither alternative seems satisfactory. “No” may result in a tantrum or struggle, while “yes” can seem removed from what a parent either wants or believes is appropriate. The word “nuance” seemed to appear in the effort to find a way around this dilemma.

One situation in which this word arose was described by a pregnant mom who was two weeks away from delivering a sibling to her 2-year-old. The little girl was clearly aware that a change was about to take place – and already had, in some respects – even without the full impact of a new baby’s arrival. She was insisting that she was the baby, wanted to sit in the baby seat and use all the baby things. She became very upset if they tried to say no.

They have been going along with the little girl’s wish to be the baby, pretending with her that she was the baby. Mom was worried about doing this thinking about what the implications might be when the new baby arrives. She worried about doing this but worried also about the girl’s reaction to their not permitting it.

Here is where she was stuck feeling that the only two alternatives were to permit or not permit the child to act out her wishes. Instead, we talked about the ways she could validate the child’s feelings while beginning to move her away from the behavior in which they were expressed. Clearly, the child needed to be reassured that her place would not be usurped by a new arrival. But in reality, she is two years plus and can do all kinds of things that a baby can’t do – like talk to mom and play games. There are rewards for not being a baby.

Mom began to see that there were ways of responding to her daughter’s wishes other than yes or no. This was when “nuance” popped up. The absence of absolutes in approaching it this way seemed to her subtle because it involved identifying with both sides of the conflict: the wish to remain a baby but also the satisfactions of growing up. This is a major inner struggle in the early years and appears in different forms as children develop.

The word perhaps more useful than nuance is process. Helping children move from where they are to where we want them to be is a process. Process implies something fluid – movement that is continually taking place. Movement means not being fully here or there, but rather in the process of becoming or getting there. Helping children move in that way means trying to understand where they are coming from, where they are going, and what if anything, is a sticking point along the way.

Is that nuanced?

Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: the Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: the Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at www.goodenoughmothering.com.